Don't Trust a Confidence

By Gini Graham Scott

Shared Secrets Can Put the Listener at Risk

Becoming someone's confidant at work can be flattering. You feel trusted with someone's secrets. You feel plugged in and in the know. You are privy to behind-the-scenes gossip. You may experience a sense of power. You are consoling someone and giving advice, so you feel helpful and in the know.

But if you are not wary, you can fall into hidden pitfalls of being a confidant. What you know and what you share with the confider can backfire.

That's what happened to Barbara, who became friendly with a co-worker, Nancy, in a sales and marketing department. They shared many things in common that drew them together--both from Boston, both 30-somethings, both interested in the local art scene. They got in the habit of having lunch together and occasionally called each other to discuss projects they were working on.

After a few weeks, Nancy began sharing more personal observations and concerns with Barbara. Nancy told Barbara how she was having a dispute with her landlord over a noisy tenant, and the landlord wasn't doing anything to fix the problem. Did Barbara think she should withhold some rent as incentive or did Barbara have other suggestions? Another time, Nancy described having problems with a designer who created a brochure for her. What did Barbara think she should do?

Barbara felt touched when Nancy first began sharing with her like a trusted friend, and Barbara shared a few of her own problems--a dispute with a car salesman who overcharged her; a commission misunderstanding with a former employer leading her to quit the job. Then, as Nancy worked hard to move up the company ladder through extra hours to up her sales, Barbara felt privileged when Nancy began sharing her views about other salespeople at the company. Nancy did so at one lunch, when she described how different people in their department were performing or not performing up to expectations. Thereafter, Nancy continued to share such opinions, and a few times complained to Barbara when people in other departments let her down, such as giving her incorrect leads. In turn, Barbara shared her sympathy, support, or advice.

But then it happened. One day Barbara and Nancy had their own dispute about who should get a particular lead, and Nancy accused Barbara of poaching on her territory. As the argument escalated, Nancy brought up Barbara's car dispute, commission misunderstanding, and some other problems Barbara had told her. "You have a lot of communication problems with people, don't you?" Nancy charged, and Barbara suddenly felt on the defensive, as Nancy used her previous confidences against her.

Barbara was suddenly on the opposite side of the fence; Nancy now viewed her as one of the people who didn't perform properly. Though they continued to work in the same office, the lunch-time sharings and after-work phone chats came to an end.

Thus, there can be a big danger when someone at work starts to share personal confidences with you--and when you share your own in exchange. The danger is that you could be next. You could go from confidant to the subject of a confidence to someone else, as happened to Barbara. It's a risk that is especially great when someone shares confidences about their problems with other people.

Today's Take-Away:

·         If someone leaves a trail of conflicts with other people behind them, don't walk that trail with them. You're likely to be abandonded there yourself.

Do you have a problem with relationships at work or in your business? Send an e-mail with a description of what happened and your e-mail and phone number to Gini Graham Scott at GiniS@aol.com.

Gini Graham Scott, Ph.D., J.D., is a specialist in organizational, consumer, and audience behavior, conflict resolution, and creativity. Her latest books are Work With Me! Resolving Everyday Conflict in Your Organization (Davies-Black) and The Innovative Edge (Ronin Publishing). a Her Web site is www.giniscott.com; to send e-mail: GiniS@aol.com.

Reprinting items retrieved from the archives are for personal use only. They may not be reproduced or retransmitted without permission. If you would like to re-distribute anything from the Archives, please call our permissions department at (213) 481-1448.